Future uncertainty

The uncertainty of my business income is really getting to me (of 100 artist's tables sold, they sold in about 1.5 minutes online, and I was #66.  What happens if my internet connection goes down in that minute when I'm filling out the forms?  There goes almost a quarter of my annual income).  If I could just pop off the dealer's room wait list for two of my conventions, I think I'd be fine (read:  breaking even with practically zero disposable income, and by 'disposable' I'm including 'anything I could put into savings').  I could theoretically be making a lot more money if I could get my websites up and going... or not.  I have no idea how much I could bring in with those.  It's a complete unknown.  Which is part of the reason those keep slipping down the priority list.

If I could find other large conventions to do, that would help immensely.  Thing is, I have to go to one coast or the other to do that.  And I don't think I can legally sell my jewelry in California, because they have a lead in jewelry law that basically says I have to test *every* batch of components I use for lead content.  There is no cheap lead test.  And given that every couple of months I order several hundred little packages of jewelry components... yeah.  Not feasible at all.  The US has a similar law, but it's for children's jewelry only (age 12 and under, I think), so I can deal with that by simply saying my jewelry is for people ages 13 and up.  Can't do that in CA.  That leaves Oregon and Washington, and the east coast.

Logistics are a problem.  If it's a huge con where I'd make lots of money, I have to have someone helping me or people will start stealing stuff because I can't watch 10' worth of table all the time.  But I have no friends who would be willing, even for money, to leave town for almost a week straight to work a con.  And I can't exactly hire a stranger to handle thousands of dollars in cash halfway across the country, even if I am standing right next to them.  And I'm not even sure how I would get there (fly, and ship my setup?  drive, and risk stuff getting stolen out of my car when I'm at a hotel midway / risk getting stopped by corrupt police for having out-of-state plates, and then they do a fake drug dog alert, search my car, and seize my cash?), nor whether the expense of getting there would actually be worth it.

I am working on something else, with a friend / business partner.  If we can break out with what we're working on, I'll be able to retire some day, maybe even early.  Among other things, it's a way for companies to develop profiles for who they want to hire / put on teams, and to find people who fit those profiles.  And it goes way, way beyond what anyone else is doing.  We've spent about 4 years now teaching ourselves the material (and developing new material), experimenting, and figuring out what exactly we can do with what we've got.  My partner already has executive-type clients, so I know that what we can do works, it's just a matter of developing something we can actually sell.

The other option?  I can't afford to live here any more, and move back to OK with my mom.  In a way that would be a relief; I'm darned stressed out right now and it seems to be never-ending.  I could still do some of the larger TX events.  I have friends here, but they're all busy too, and it seems like I hardly ever get to see any of them.  This would not be the first time I've felt the urge to move to a more rural area, plant fruit trees and maybe have chickens, and have some time time and space to experiment with blacksmithing and metal sculpture and more elaborate jewelry (and if I break out with those, as in start bringing in significant income online, I could theoretically move back here if I wanted).  Not to mention, it would be waaay easier to visit family!  Every time I go home, I have to stop and think about whether I need to ask my parents for gas money.  And I hate that.  I know I'm experiencing some overwhelm at the moment (a bout of insomnia a week long, that I'm trying to fix with ambien, isn't helping), and that once I start sleeping better again I'm sure I'll be thrilled again to be where I am, but... right now it's kind of not happy-making.

I wrote the above last night right before bed, and held off posting it to give my brain chemistry a chance to reset.  Not much editing happened between now and then.  It is what it is, only now that I'm more rested, it feels like more of a challenge / more positive.  I'm forging ahead, which is what my dad has told me on several occasions:  "Forge ahead!"